wow i havent been on here for so long.. i feel guilty kinda. ive been meaning to jump on and let my inner self vent to complete strangers and maybe a few people who know of me in ‘real life’.
so heres my problem.. in australia we have what we call leavers/schoolies which is a celebration for graduating students that goes on for about a week or less it also involves minimum parents maximum alcohol and doing whatever the fuck you like. im supposed to be attending this along with a few friends (who i dont consider to be very good friends, though i love them and all) and i feel as if i havent earned it. i didnt do any exams at all this year(hehehe clever me), i havent got a job apart from intense house work, i rely on my mum and boyfriend which makes me feel the ultimate guilt but i still do it, i buy things i know i cant afford, im forever promising promises that i cant make and to top it off i always make plans that i dont fill eg. finding a job - this has taken me 4 years so far.
also im starting to think i dont want to go (i tend to over-think everything) because ive forgotten how to have fun. i guess over the past year my life has been fairly straining on the energy and happiness part, so i havent been going out to social events lately out of fear that i may bring along my ‘downer mood swings’ that randomly like to attack me especially when i seem peaceful and content. my downer mood swings consist of becoming clingy and hopeless, winy, totally annoying, teary over the slightest sad thought, not wanting to go out - even for icecream, wanting anything that could possibly make me happy right at my side (which is usually my boyfriend) and refusing to talk much or explain anything.
i just read this over, im so boring in text :/
Goals i guess?
First/2nd/3rd tattoo in Bali depending on how much money i want to spend
- Grow my hair back to its longer length.. or just
cheat with extensions
- Get a proper job
- Get my logs before my 17th - never happened and im almost 18 ha!
- Move out - of this crowd and town - coming soon in 2012
For mum to be happy. Thats something I know wont change until the family is together again, thats when I’ll be satisfied